SHAKE IT UP

Wed, 11 Nov 2009 04:50:46 GMT

today when i was working at steak n shake, this very elderly woman came in with her 2 grand kids, they were both little girls, probably 6 and 3. the 3 yeard old kid kept reaching over her and tried grabbing the straws i put down on the table. she just would not stop and the woman kept moving her out of the way trying to make her sit and just stop so she could tell me her order. well they placed their order and i asked this woman "can i get you anything else right now?" and she jokingly says, "how about we switch and i take tables and you watch the grand kids for a while!" i politely laughed and said, "hmm well i dont know which would be more stressful!" and so she looks at me and she says "well i know which one, lemme tell ya!" then she looks me in the eyes and said "abort your children"

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

i will never in my life forget that moment in steak n shake history.

Fri, 22 May 2009 16:33:12 GMT

i'm done with this.

i just keeps getting me in trouble

Mon, 18 May 2009 04:03:18 GMT

i really think things are just how they were before.

im so sad.

he gets way too defensive when i say things. things he shouldnt do that about.

and you know i find myself doing the same thing.

its hard for me to try to put any more effort into this. because all ive done is put effort into this. and now hes starting to slip and not show me the things he said he would do and say and be.. and quite frankly, i have no energy left. if this doesnt change very soon, ive hit the end of the road.

i wanted so bad to believe that things actually were getting better, because they were! i was so happy for so long.. and now its just feels like we never talked about anything.

maybe its my hormones or maybe im just sad because i havent been able to see him as much or.. i just dont know.

Sat, 16 May 2009 00:55:49 GMT

if now is supposed to be the prime of my life i feel like i need to evaluate a few things.

i feel so young .. but i know im going to wake up one day and just be like .. fuck.

i need to do something impulsive.

i need to get the fuck out of indiana. i just want to get away from everyone and meet new people.

even though people are just people.. and id probably just get sick of them too.

my chest hurts, i cant stop my hiccups.

Fri, 15 May 2009 18:02:45 GMT

i give up

he doesnt understand

and he wont understand

but its starting to feel like things are going back to how they used to be. when he didnt give a shit about me.

well im not going to fucking put up with it! im not going to tolerate him doing shitty things and then him making me feel bad for calling him out on it! no! fuck that! he'll hang out with me when its convienient for him, but if he has to go out of his way, then forget it.

i've seen him like an hour a day since the surgery, almost since the accident with the exception of mothers day. i guess i should be thankful that hes come over at all. but im not because i know he could see me more if he wanted to but "hes busy" or "hes tired" at 9 fucking pm. its just another example of things id do for him that he wouldnt do for me. well i wish hed stop being so goddamn selfish and not think about himself for once and hang out with me just because i want him to. i feel like i have to beg him. and when i get to that point, id rather just be alone then have to force my boyfriend to spend more than an hour with me.

i thought things were changing. but i guess people never do change. jokes on me.

Fri, 15 May 2009 02:47:48 GMT

so i havent written about the accident. which happend to have the best timing. i missed out on three interviews and almost a month of work. i dont have a car and ive been spending everyday alone.

jd wont even hang out with me for more then an hour. all i want is for him to hang out with me or want to take care of me and make sure im okay. to just be loving. but no hes tired by 9:30 and cant come hang out with me. i live 15 fucking minutes away. if he had been hurt id want to be with him all the time. id want to give him someone to talk to. i feel like things are just slowly going to go back to how they were. and then when i tell him i just wish hed come see me hes like "angie dont make me feel bad". oh okay. im sorry i want you to come see me. whatever.

Wed, 06 May 2009 18:35:27 GMT

i've also had two dreams about kicking a girls teeth in.
maybe its time she gets whats coming to her.
or maybe its a sign she needs to shut her fucking mouth before i shut it for her.

heres to feeling sorry for myself

Wed, 06 May 2009 18:33:12 GMT

if i dont make the plans

then i dont have any plans

i wish i knew what i was doing wrong so my friends would actually want to hang out with me.

i feel like im slipping into non existance.

Sat, 28 Mar 2009 19:49:48 GMT

sometimes i go back and forth on if i ever want to have kids.
sometimes i think i would blow my head off at the thought of it
and other times it would be kind of nice to always have someone around to take care of.

but realistically, i think im much to selfish to have kids.

the nature and development of children is pretty amazing. its just so weird and beautiful that two people can make another person with their own thoughts feelings and personality, and its even weirder that when they are born they usually look like a perfect blend of two different people.

i just dont think i could handle that. not to mention my life as i know it would be over. i'm only 20 years old, i have at least another 60 years ahead of me, if the world doesnt end in three years, and im not in any hurry to rush anything. theres so much more to life then just having kids and getting married. i dont know why you would want that asap. i would much rather find someone and take my time with them to build something beautiful rather then rush and have a half assed relationship. i dont want to live with someone let alone be married to someone i havent felt comfortable with for less then a few years.

who knows, maybe i am next on the pregnancy list. haha

...YEAH FUCKING RIGHT.

talking trash under your breath

Mon, 23 Mar 2009 23:23:09 GMT

i feel like i should write something, get everything out.

yesterday me and jd were on the verge of breaking up and i instantly regretted doing so. i didnt even want to talk about it, and he did so we did and stupid shit happened. i went over to his house to get my phone charger and to talk to him. i definitely didnt want to break up, but i've been feeling so down and shitty lately it just kind of happened. so we talked about things and were on a break instead. which i said before wouldnt work, and maybe it wont, but i know i am not ready to let him go. saturday he took me to coffee creek again, we'd been there once before when we had first started dating, and it was so nice. he was saying the sweetest things to me and for some reason i just had these negative thoughts and just shrugged off what he was saying. i dont know why because he really does make me so happy. he has changed so much its kind of incredible. hes changed into doing all the things i've always wanted to him to do. which isnt a lot, i've just wanted him to talk about things with me, and kiss me and hold me and just love me. and now he is and i need to appreciate it.

i mentioned that it was too late i thought and he said after we talked "no matter how good it is now?" and just that statement kind of broke my heart. because it just made me realize how happy he is with me.. and i dont understand why i cant be that happy with him. i can be, i want to be, i just was on the look out for something better. but i realized then, that i dont really think it could get any better. he loves me for me. and who i am, and we have a pretty solid history going and i dont want to start over, there isnt any point in looking for someone else to love me when there is a loving beautiful boy that i have that does love me with all his heart. and i guess i just took it for granted and i just didnt try as hard as i should have. but i know now for sure that i am going to do my damndest to make this work. i really dont want to be with anyone else because i dont think anyone else could make me feel like jd does. this boy has had my heart for the past year and a half and i dont want to give it to anyone else.

now when i think about running away, i think about running away with him. we havent been together for THAT long of a time, and we still have so much more time for our relationship to grow and so much more to learn about each other. we make a really good match, we generally get along really well and i feel like we just fit. i dont want to ruin that, i dont want to share this with anyone else but him. i can see us moving in together, and just.. having fun together. i can see us getting a house or maybe even getting married eventually. because i've always said i wanted to find who i wanted to marry pretty young, and marry them when im ready. and i heard through a friend that "marriage is so easy, you just pick someone, and you love them" and when you think about it, it really is just that simple. you pick who you want to be with and just... love them. really. and i picked jd and i love him with all my heart. so really.. what else could i ask for?

right now we are on a break, and i wont be seeing him for about 2 weeks, but i think this is a good thing. distance makes the heart grow fonder. i havent seen him since yesterday and i'm already missing him. i need to be more independent and collect my thoughts and get myself back on track before i can get my relationship back on track. this is going to be a very long two weeks, but i know he isnt going anywhere, and i'm just counting down the days until i can see him again.

last night after our talk and i left his house, i went out to hebron and me krystle and carson embarked on a 10 hour round trip road trip to see the biggest cross in america. i needed to just drive, for a long time. just listen to music and set some things straight. and it was the best decision i've made. it really cleared my head and made me feel much better. not to mention the cross was fucking badass. my car went from being 100 miles away from needing an oil change to being 400 miles over needing one in one night. but it felt so good to just get the fuck out. i guess you could say it was enlightening. haha. i'm really excited to get my life together for real with jd in it. this boy means more to me then anyone could ever understand. i have a lot of hope for our future.

Fri, 13 Mar 2009 14:38:07 GMT

i fucking hate the hair cuttery. i hate it hate it hate it. every morning i wake up i cry before i go in there. i really just.. fucking hate it. most of those girls are stupid, the clients are stupid. and i'm only making 45% commission. its all just stupid. but for some reason i havent quit yet, but it's in the near future. i need to get out before i'm like half those girls who only wanted it to be temporary and are now working on their fourth year there.

i've never felt so pulled in so many directions. last weekend me and jd broke up and then got back together a few days later. i wanted to work on it i really did, but it just doesnt feel right. and now is when he FINALLY decides to fucking hear what im saying when its too late. now he decides to be the boyfriend i've always wanted him to be .. after its too late. and now it doesnt really feel nice and sweet and beautiful like it wanted it feels forced and like it wont last. it probably wont last.

he told me yesterday that he felt like he fell in love all over again, and that the things he was doing and saying to me werent any effort and that he just really does want to see me and spend time with me now. its just bullshit that it took for us to break up for him to see. he told me yesterday for the first time that he appreciated me and that he thinks i'm pretty amazing. and i couldnt help but get angry that he couldnt have told me that a month ago. he also told me that he thinks im upset because i didnt really think he would change and he did and now i dont know what to think. and you know when he said that i was kinda shocked, because hes exactly right.

i know in my mind i said i wanted to give him a chance to prove hes changing, and it sounds nice and easy, but the second im with him i can just feel myself resisting.. partially because i was getting comfortable with the idea of being without him, i was starting to be okay with it and then i just jumped right back in and also partially because im afraid of getting hurt, i'm afraid to get comfortable again just for him to start not giving a shit about me all over again. i dont know what to do. im stuck between ending it so i can just move on and get over it before i get hurt again, or hearing him out and hoping for the best.

i've been crying every day almost all day. i've been getting pissed so easy. the smallest thing will make me mad and i start throwing and punching and kicking shit. i want to get the fuck out of here. so bad. i dont want to be in indiana anymore, i just want to get the fuck away from everyone and everything and just never come back. i'm sure most people wouldnt even notice i was gone anyway. i just feel like a shitty person.

i'm just so fucking unhappy. =[

Thu, 12 Mar 2009 08:46:05 GMT

i asked one of my co workers for advice
and he gave me the advice i needed to hear.
it just made so much sense
and all he said was "don't just focus on the bad, take it all in"

Tue, 03 Feb 2009 20:09:21 GMT

i get really sad sometimes. and i dont know if its over things that are actually upsetting me, or if its built up emotions that just come out on random events that normally wouldnt bother me.

sometimes, i feel like i'm really crazy.

Thu, 22 Jan 2009 20:20:03 GMT

COME ON! SERIOUSLY!

Thu, 15 Jan 2009 23:52:36 GMT

i need to move out of my house.

i want to move in with jd, but i'm pretty sure he still doesnt want me to. not that i have the money right now anyway, but as soon as i can start saving, which means as soon as i get a salon job, i'm determined to move out.

i think i would like to live with carolynn, we were just talking about it today, and she wants to be out by the end of summer. although i would like to be out earlier, i think she would be a great room mate and we get along really well. its also nice that were really similiar. but if i can move out before then i would like to.

but really, i dont want to live with anyone but jd. because if i move out, and not with him, then i wouldnt be able to sleep at his house everynight, and i feel like i wouldnt see him as much.

i dont know, i really shouldnt be worrying about this until i have the money anyway.

blegh. right now i'm waiting for krystle and carson to get here.. i thought they would be here a while ago.. they have to be at the bar to meet with jake at 7.. and its 6. there really isnt much of a point to them coming over now because we wont have time to do anything anyway.. blah blah blah... i need a job. =[

Thu, 27 Nov 2008 16:05:56 GMT

well, i guess i just dont know what to think.

Wed, 26 Nov 2008 15:18:52 GMT

i realize that my last post seemed really angry
and i didnt mean for it to
everything is going really really well right now
and overall i am really happy.

tomorrow is thanksgiving and i'm really excited about that too.
on the other hand, i am not excited to work today or on black friday.

buuuuut i am going to be bathing in money.

Sun, 23 Nov 2008 15:51:22 GMT

i wish it wouldnt bother me that my boyfriend gets his hair cut from his ex girlfriend when i am totally capable of doing the exact same thing. or that she calls him drunk and tells him that she misses him a hundred times.

i wish it wouldnt bother me that we never ever fucking have sex. he doesnt seem to care at all. i guess there is a bit of an obstacle right now, but he isnt really doing much to help the situation.

but you know, realistically these things do bother me. i really wish i could just not give a shit too if i hurt him, but im much better then that.

i'm afraid to call him earlier then like 8 oclock because i feel like he only wants to see me before we go to bed. i've never had a boyfriend who im afraid to call because he wont want to see me. when he knows i have the night off he never wants to spend it with me, he'd rather just not talk to me all day and wait for me to text him when its too late to do anything, or if i dont text him, its because i want to see if he'll text me and ask me to do something. and of course, he never does. not until like 9 or something when it too late for us to do anything but sit around and go to sleep. which is fine, but i need to go out and do things, i cant just only see him before bed.

i cant stop thinking about when he told me that it felt like i was smothering him. especially when we only see each other at 10 or 11. i just hurt me so fucking much because its like, he has EIGHT HOURS not at work to spend by himself and do whatever he wants, but thats still just not enough time without me. and it really just worrys me. now that im done with school and i have days off we could see eachother all the time, but afraid to call him because im afraid he wont even want to see me. i've never had a boyfriend who didnt want to spend even a quarter as much time with me as i want to spend time with him. i'm just starting to feel empty, and i just want him to make me not feel like that. maybe its my hormones talking right now, but sometimes he can just be so selfish, and just take me for granted and its starting to take a toll on me.

when i really think about it, and when i talk to other girls, they would not put up with some of the stuff i do. but i do because i love him, a wholllee lot, and when were both happy things are really wonderful. i just know its a matter of time before i just cant take it anymore. i'm not going to be walked all over forever. i'm not going to just be treated like some girl forever. i want him to treat me like his girlfriend. i'm tired of being the only one to call him or text him, i'm tired of always having to pay for myself when we go out, i'm tired of him not listening to me or supporting me, and im tired of always having to make the first move, and i'm tired of him NEVER going out of his way for me or surprise me or do something nice for me without me asking. when your in a relationship you are supposed to put a lot of effort into it, and i just feel like im the only one doing that. i just hurt sometimes. as much as i try to not be an emotional wreck like most girls, i still am a girl and i need a good emotional support for that.

i dont know why i just wrote all this. things have been going really good lately, i havent really had anything to complain about. its just when i spend too much time alone i start thinking these things. i need to move out of my house and be on my own. i just need a room mate.

i also need a hug.

Fri, 21 Nov 2008 21:31:56 GMT

drunk dialing always makes you look like an asshole

Mon, 17 Nov 2008 21:25:19 GMT

i feel dirty, gross, horrible, disgusting.

i feel like a piece of shit.

it doesnt matter how many showers i take, i'm not going to feel any better.

what a horrible, horrible feeling.

good good gooooood

Tue, 11 Nov 2008 16:34:07 GMT

parents went out of town last night

threw a little party, and it was fun. it didnt get crazy and it didnt get rowdy and we pretty much just played games. i wish jd would have been here. i wish he would want to hang out with my friends with me, but he doesnt.. ever.

were supposed to go bowling thursday and im really excited about that. i love when we go out and do .. anything really. i love him a lot. like a lot alot. and i know he loves me too.. but i just hope he loves me the way i love him.

he hasnt mentioned me moving in, and i think its because he doesnt want me to anymore. which really sucks. when we had that talk he said we should hold off on that, but it was never mentioned again and i dont want to bring it up because im scared. i'm scared to even text him everyday because im afraid hes going to say "im smothering him" again and even though hes asked me to stay the night everyday since, i hope hes asking me because he actually wants me to sleep with him, not because hes afraid im going to get upset if he doesnt. because i wont be upset. everynight i do assume im going to sleep at home, rather then at his house because i dont want to "smother" him. i would be disappointed if he didnt want me over, but i would understand and get over it because its really not that big of a deal.

i dont know what im talking about anymore. i know i'm young. really young, but all i've ever wanted, ever since middle school, highschool, and now is to find a boy who wants to be with me for a very long time. i've never been into just dating people or anything like that. ever. as long as i can remember i've always just wanted to settle down and have fun with just one person who really truley cares about me and loves me. and i just hope i'm making a good decision. i'm very willing to work on things, even if it doesnt seem like it, and i hope he would put as much effort into this as i would. i put my everything into this because i've never loved anyone like this before. but for now i'm going to just keep taking it one day at a time and hopefully all these days turn into all these years.

Wed, 29 Oct 2008 19:56:49 GMT

my last day at drbs was on saturday.

i just took my school test on monday and passed! i mailed off the application for my license today and i should hear back from them in a matter of days.

now that i dont have school in the morning, i feel so much more relieved. this is the first time i havent had school work school work school work since my sophomore year of highschool. it feels like... now what? i'm done learning the basics and now i have to get a job. a real one. i'm about to start my CAREER.

i never would have thought that when i was younger this is where i would be at 20.

i wonder where i will be when i am 30.

thats so scary.

Wed, 22 Oct 2008 02:15:48 GMT

graduation on saturday

i'm so fucking done with don roberts.

and their cunt teachers

less then two weeks

Thu, 16 Oct 2008 03:45:21 GMT

i graduate!

yes!

i am so happy. with.. everything.

yes. =] =D

=]

Sun, 12 Oct 2008 04:24:56 GMT

things are going well.

really well actually. i wasnt sure our relationship would recover from that talk.. i was almost positive i was going to be broken hearted.
and i'm not, not yet anyways.

if things stay how they are then i could be the happiest girl on the planet. he's still be asking me to sleep over, which is surprising and so exciting and makes me so happy. but i'm not going to assume he wants me to everynight anymore, i'm much to scared to do that. i guess i never should have assumed in the first place, i just thought he was as excited to sleep with me as i am to sleep with him. but i guess not. i just hope he isnt asking me to sleep over because he thinks i'm going to be upset if he doesnt though. because everynight i assume i'm going to sleep alone, and i'm okay with it actually. the last thing i would want is for him to ask me to just so i dont get upset, because in the long run, its just going to resurface again. and i really cant handle that. i'd much rather sleep alone then him think i'm "smothering" him.

i never ever had that thought. not once. i really only get to see him from when i get off work until he leaves in the morning and all day sunday. he has like 8 hours of him being off work to do whatever he wants. i'm not the kind of girlfriend who calls him all the time, or texts him all the time, or asks constantly where hes at or what hes doing. i give him plenty of space. and i think thats why it hurt so much, because i feel like i never get to see him, and he thought he was seeing too much of me. when i think about that, it makes my heart want to break. its just hard to see it like that.

i feel like i have to be much more careful, which isnt really something i want to feel, but i'm sure it will go away once i fully get over some of the things he's said.

i know in my heart that everything happens for a reason. if its meant to be then it will, and if its not meant to be, well then it wont. i've never wanted to try so hard not to lose someone.

a week or maybe a little longer before we actually got everything out, we were laying in bed and i asked him if he thought were going to be together for a long time. and hes answer was, do you? and i said yes, and then he said yes. and now i'm wondering if he really thought that. or if he even actually thinks that. or if he really wanted to say no, and just didnt want to hurt me.