SHAKE IT UP

today when i was working at steak n shake, this very elderly woman came in with her 2 grand kids, they were both little girls, probably 6 and 3. the 3 yeard old kid kept reaching over her and tried grabbing the straws i put down on the table. she just would not stop and the woman kept moving her out of the way trying to make her sit and just stop so she could tell me her order. well they placed their order and i asked this woman "can i get you anything else right now?" and she jokingly says, "how about we switch and i take tables and you watch the grand kids for a while!" i politely laughed and said, "hmm well i dont know which would be more stressful!" and so she looks at me and she says "well i know which one, lemme tell ya!" then she looks me in the eyes and said "abort your children"

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

i will never in my life forget that moment in steak n shake history.

i'm done with this.

i just keeps getting me in trouble

i really think things are just how they were before.

im so sad.

he gets way too defensive when i say things. things he shouldnt do that about.

and you know i find myself doing the same thing.

its hard for me to try to put any more effort into this. because all ive done is put effort into this. and now hes starting to slip and not show me the things he said he would do and say and be.. and quite frankly, i have no energy left. if this doesnt change very soon, ive hit the end of the road.

i wanted so bad to believe that things actually were getting better, because they were! i was so happy for so long.. and now its just feels like we never talked about anything.

maybe its my hormones or maybe im just sad because i havent been able to see him as much or.. i just dont know.

if now is supposed to be the prime of my life i feel like i need to evaluate a few things.

i feel so young .. but i know im going to wake up one day and just be like .. fuck.

i need to do something impulsive.

i need to get the fuck out of indiana. i just want to get away from everyone and meet new people.

even though people are just people.. and id probably just get sick of them too.

my chest hurts, i cant stop my hiccups.

i give up

he doesnt understand

and he wont understand

but its starting to feel like things are going back to how they used to be. when he didnt give a shit about me.

well im not going to fucking put up with it! im not going to tolerate him doing shitty things and then him making me feel bad for calling him out on it! no! fuck that! he'll hang out with me when its convienient for him, but if he has to go out of his way, then forget it.

i've seen him like an hour a day since the surgery, almost since the accident with the exception of mothers day. i guess i should be thankful that hes come over at all. but im not because i know he could see me more if he wanted to but "hes busy" or "hes tired" at 9 fucking pm. its just another example of things id do for him that he wouldnt do for me. well i wish hed stop being so goddamn selfish and not think about himself for once and hang out with me just because i want him to. i feel like i have to beg him. and when i get to that point, id rather just be alone then have to force my boyfriend to spend more than an hour with me.

i thought things were changing. but i guess people never do change. jokes on me.